The Heat is on

Things are better. Not perfect but better. I'm trying to sail through the last 14 weeks here smoothly and without drama. That's all I have to say about that.

I had an awesome day off last Wednesday. I took this crazy drive in LA where I saw unmarked plantation homes that seem like they should be in the Smithsonian, ancient oak trees and lots of old-school tin roofed houses. I loved it.

This weekend was great as well. I had bitter-sweet sentiments about finishing the show at Gulfport Little Theater. On the one hand, I now have my life back, but on the other, my heart is breaking because I won't see those kids again. There were lots of tears and the realization that I might have made a bigger impact than I originally thought. To me this is what hope and recovery look like. Kids doing awesome things. I loved it.

There is a new permanent person helping at Andy's Club. She is amazing and takes alot off my shoulders. Also, she's a professional willing to work for almost nothing. I am constantly thanking God for her.

It's a million degrees here. I feel like I'm melting all the time. I love it.

I think I'm going to watch bull riding this weekend at the coliseum. Hmm...

One Crazy Weekend

This weekend started with our all-site gathering in NOLA. This was NOT a good day for me. Due to some issues (see previous blog entry) that continued and got worse, I had a breakdown at our meeting. Full on sobbing. I spent the weekend figuring out what this meant exactly. Basically what it comes down to is I need someone in this program to recognize that the work I'm doing is hard and important to me. I know this is entirely not biblical and the only person I need to prove myself to is God, but still I can't help but feel that if I am made to hold up my end of this program, the program better damn well be holding up its end.

Continuing. We left New Orleans at 4 only to sit in traffic for literally two hours without moving. Since I needed to be in Gulfport for a show that night at 6pm, I had a mini-anxiety attack in the car. We rolled up to the theater at 7:15, I walked in, put on my costume (mostly) and walked onstage. It was crazy. I think Jesus knew that if I missed my scene I would breakdown in front of all those kids which just would not be ok.

When I got picked up at the theater, I learned that one of my roommates, Lil George, who stayed in NOLA, was in the hospital with appendicitis. So the whole weekend was spent rotating roommates down to the city to stay with him. He came this morning and is doing well but still out of it and hurting a little.

Saturday and Sunday I felt like I lived at the theater. We had four shows this weekend with 5 more to go. I was a little like a rock star on Saturday night. Linda and I went out for dinner and happened to bump into a bunch of the cast. Linda says they "gushed" over me. I'm not sure I would go that far but apparently I am at least a little cool, which is news to me.

Some exciting things:

Miss Ashley is officially on board at Andy's Club as my assistant. Very exciting.

After talking with some kids at the theater, I may be running a brief acting workshop this spring. Very awesome.

Students currently in the dual degree program at Princeton keep e-mailing me and welcoming me to the program. I am so thankful for this as it keeps a carrot in front of me on difficult days.

Please keep e-mails and cards coming! I miss you guys.

Insert Clever Title Here

I was able to experience one of my all time favorite Southern things today. That is, the smell of the air right as it has started drizzling and before it is about to downpour. It seems to be a mix of water, concrete and wood chips. I say "Southern" thing because I have never noticed that exact smell in the North, only while living here and vacationing in places like Hilton Head and Savannah. I was glad to have it as I really needed some calming and soothing today.

Yesterday, I had a very difficult conversation with the people who are supposed to be my mentors, counselors and advisers in this program. I've been having some conflicts with scheduling my work and ministry things and their program meetings. Essentially I left the conversation feeling misunderstood and like my work here was not justified or validated. I was also made to feel that I have completely abandoned my group of friends, colleagues and "family" members that I have worked so hard to create here. Needless to say, this did not help my issues of butting heads with authority that is my age and I wondered after this phone call (for about the millionth time this year) why I came here under the umbrella of this program and not just by myself.

I think this is the answer: I wanted a challenge and I wanted to try something new. God has lead me to many irreplaceable relationships this year and I have grown immensely. However, it may have been a mistake for me to work in a system that forces me to draw lines between what is important God's work (i.e. what I do for this program and what is in my so-called "job description) and what is not important God's work (i.e. what I do on my own time that is still ministry.) I came to the Gulf Coast believing that to be a truly effective presence, I could not just be an outsider working in the community, but that I had to be a member of the community. Now I feel that I am forced to let someone down and is this my fault? Do I over involve myself because of my will or God's? Am I guilty of moving on to the next thing before finishing the first?

This may be a lot to dump out on a blog posting but I feel like I owe it to everyone supporting me to be honest about what is going on here and with me. Also, it helps to write my feelings out.

Seeking clarity and grace

I feel like I should also mention

this moment I had in Boston where I realized I might have crossed the line to becoming Southern. I visited Boston for like 20 hours while I was home and rode on the T (subway) once. No one in the car was talking! It was completely silent. The Southerner in me wanted to strike up a conversation with the person next to me.

Also, I wanted to recommend a couple of books I'm reading. I'm a little more than half way through The Red Tent and it's awesome. I know a lot of people loved it when it came out about 6 years ago but I always assumed it would be cheesy. It is a little but mostly it's great. The book is very much written with women in mind, but I would hope that men could get something out of it too.

Secondly, I'm trying to read The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins. If you don't know Dawkins, he's an evolutionary theorist whose most famous books are The Selfish Gene and The Blind Watchmaker. He's also a hardcore atheist. He says at the beginning of Delusion that his goal is to convert believers to atheists by the end of the book. He's very angry which is the part I don't get. Like he's sort of doing the same thing he accuses Christian and Muslim extremists of doing which is blindly accepting an ideology without reading about the alternatives. He blames alot of bad things on religion like 9/11, the Holocaust, the Crusades without mentioning the good things which happen every day. Anyway, I'd be curious what some of you have to say. I should say too that it gives me great joy to pray for Richard Dawkins every night before I go to bed. And then I giggle a little bit knowing how angry that must make him.

I think I'll keep an update here of the ridiculous things he says since I can't really write to him.

My Fried Green Tomatoes Moment and other events of the past few days

- You should know I'm writing this on a Mac (Dave will be happy). We got a couple for Andy's Club and I'm trying to learn how to use them, but the settings aren't the same for Blogger. So no big title for instance.

-I think we've found a good replacement for me for Andy's Club for next year. This woman Ashley that I met seems really perfect so pray that that all works out.

- When I was meeting with said Ashley, this 86 year old woman at PJs, our local coffee shop, started talking to me and sharing her life with me. It was pretty awesome that someone could be so open so quickly. She was a really neat lady (a la Jessica Tandy in Fried Green Tomatoes) and i'm hoping to bump into her again.

-We took the kids to Chuck E. Cheese on Friday. It was pretty awesome but we're still working on curbing the mass chaos getting the kids in and out of the van. There's always lots of pushing. I think the kids had fun, though. They were pleased with the crap they could get with their tickets and the massive amount of pizza we bought them.

-I am officially into the dual degree program at Princeton Seminary. Until now I was only accepted into the M.Div but now I'm also in the MA program for youth ministry which means an extra year, for a total of 4. Yess!!!

-We have two birthdays back to back in our house this week so the festivities have begun. We went out to eat in Mobile last night and have another dinner tomorrow along with a camping trip this weekend. Dinner in Mobile was great. We were able to find an awesome restaurant just outside of town because apparrently downtown Mobile rolls up the sidewalks at 9pm. The restaurant was called Felix's Fish Camp and we shut it down because we got there so late. There were also flying moonpies and liquid gold crab soup. Ahh the South.

I'm feeling really busy and overwhelmed these days. Please send love and encouragement.

It's a twister! It's a twister!

But first, some awesome news. The doctors decided my Dad only needs to have medication to treat his cancer and not the radical surgery we were anticipating. Praise God for this. It's a true testament to God's love and grace. I've been so blessed by "long-distance" praying since both my homes have been thinking of my family. All the networkings and connections between people are just one of those things I can't even try to understand.

In other news, we had to cancel Andy's Club today because tornadoes were touching down all over the Coast. It was the first time in my life those annoying alarms on the radio weren't just tests. They were telling people to get inside, away from windows, and under something or at the very least to lay flat on the floor. Folks in trailers needed to get into a sturdy building.

Until hearing this, I was on my way to Justin's (who lives on the other side of Gulfport). As this was coming on the radio, I was turning onto highway 90 which runds along the ocean. The traffic lights were out and I couldn't separate the sky from the water. Then I turned around, called the volunteer waiting for me at the church and told her to tell anyone coming in to go back home while their parents were still there. When I got there, there was already 3 feet of water in the parking lot. Yikes! Then I went home and hoped the windows wouldn't blow in in our little plastic, fake house. Gracie (a weird-MS weather expert) told me I probably didn't need to hide in my bathtub. I wasn't sure.

This was definitely the craziest weather I've ever experienced. From what I've heard, the weather has been crazy like this since Katrina. I'm not sure how that works, but I believe them.

Here are two choice quotes from Tuesday's Andy's Club:

"Why are your teeth yellow?" Zach to me while I was disciplining him.

"Your thighs are fatter than mine." Tatalyah, a second grader to me.

What cute kids huh?