Thankful

In the past few days, I have been thankful for many things. Here are as many as I can remember.

Having a safe structure in which to live, beautiful weather, the preservation of history, two filling Thanksgiving meals (when some people have none), Tom Teel's Gumbo and the amazing fellowship that followed, feeling like an adult, feeling like a child, my family and their heavy Jersey accents (that you don't realize they have until they pass around the phone at their Jersey gathering while you're cooking in a church kitchen in Mississippi), naps, friends who "get" me and yet are still my friends, strong women in my life, secrets, hearing from people out of the blue, non-stop Christmas music, TV shows on DVD, knowing that I am going home in less than a month, laughter (mostly at my expense), my car, the ability to cry, peace, working technology, my 11th drink free at PJs coffee shop, knowing that I have someplace to go at the end of this year, the tackiness of Christmas, God and all things bigger than me that I don't understand and don't wish to understand, children, a healthy body, and knowing that I have everything I need.

Happy Holidays!

How I sold my soul to the Gulfport Little Theatre and other stories.

So I thought I had a production meeting at GLT last night for Godspell, but when I got there (after frantically and extremely rudely running out of an early Thanksgiving dinner) there was no one there. I scratched my head, consulted my planner and went home. When I called the director Miss Pope, she informed me that the times had been changed and since everyone sees everyone there all the time anyway, she forgot to call me. The cool thing about Miss Pope is she's what I want to be when I grow up...no not when I grow up, when I'm old. I can't wait to find out her history as I'm sure she was an extra in some Olivier play or one of the original Follies, you know the type. Anyway, after a long talk on the phone, I think I may have unofficially been handed a producer-like position on this show. Mind you I'm already acting in another show and working full time. Sigh. To quote Oklahoma, I'm just a girl who cain't say no.

Also, on Sunday I volunteered to make costumes for a youth run service at Westminster Presbyterian Church. I don't know where that came from. Somewhere the logic in me should have piped up and said "Hey, remember when you tried to sew that pillow? Right." Luckily there are lots of thrift shops around.

I had lunch yesterday with Sally-Lodge, my favorite Southern Woman pastor. Maybe she's what I want to be when I grow up. I've talked about her before, but I feel like there's no way to capture her essence in writing. Some of my favorite quotes from yesterday- "Eat some pumpkin pie. You need to keep your strength up." and talking about how she looks when she's preaching "a marshmallow with a belt on."

It might be hard to believe, but my room has been FREEZING the past couple of nights. Its been below freezing at night but then warm during the day, leading to some hilarious situations where I look ridiculous with a full coat and hat, scarf, mittens on. Also, our room isn't insulated, one wall is made of cinderblocks, and the windows aren't weatherproofed. Now the fear is the space heater might burn down the church.

I went to the dermatologist this morning somewhat apprehensively, but it was really good. I was relieved that the practice seemed to have been updated since the Civil War and I think the doctor was relieved that I was there only for some mild acne, not any weird growths or mysterious pus. She also didn't judge me at all, which I like.

I extended my at home time so now I'll be in NJ from the morning of the 22nd to Dec 31. My time is already filling up though so call me to book some Brenna time!

I think that was a boring post. If anyone has questions let me know and I can answer them on here.

Success

One time I was asked by a pledge class of my fraternity, Zeta Phi Eta, how I defined success. I believe my answer to be one of the most brilliant things i've ever said. "Success," I said, "is when the child you were at 10 can look at the adult you've become and be proud of that person."

I've been thinking about that a lot because I'm not sure what my 10-year-old self would have to say to my adult self. There might be some disappointment that I am not starring on Broadway and living with a fabulous director in a penthouse on the upper west side. Would my 10-year old self settle for community theatre in Mississippi where Annie is considered one of the greatest dramatic achievements of the 20th century? I don't know. Yet, I would hope that that dreamer in me would find some romance in moving so far from home to save the world through theatre.

All of this comes on the heels of what my adult self considers to be a very successful evening with Andy's Club. We took them on a field trip Friday night to see Annie Jr. at the Gulfport Little Theatre where I've been doing Guys and Dolls. The show was crap as usual (if you know me well, you know I have beef with that show in particular), although the performers were great for kids. The shocker was how great my kids were and how much they loved the experience. While monsters behind us kicked the seats and yelled obnoxious questions, mine sat quietly, only asking questions during the blackouts. A couple of them might audition for the next show they do there, perhaps causing me to become a pseudo stage mom. It was a really great night, one that makes you feel like God in her majesty has made everything come together just right for you.

I have some time off from Andy's Club this week since the kids don't have school. In general its going to be quiet around here. Two of my roommates have gone home along with our bosses and there are no weekly volunteers this week. I plan on being in my pjs most of the time. And although I'll miss my family on Thanksgiving, one thing I'm learning is when you don't have a family on a holiday you get tons of invitations! So far I'm having two dinners- one at 1 and another at 4:30. Maybe it won't be so bad to be away from home!

Love and blessings!

“Look…”

I begin this post with the word “Look” for several reasons. Firstly, I’ve heard it A LOT from one volunteer that I’ve been working with this week. At times I enjoy a statement that begins with “Look” because it implies a clear-cut, no BS statement is about to be said. For instance, “Look, I know we have different standards of cleanliness, but it is not acceptable to leave half-full coffee mugs lying around for three days.” To me this is preferable to something wishy-washy or sugarcoated. This volunteer, M, has been explaining things to me in this way all week. I wonder though if she is really looking. Let me explain.

In her assistance with Andy’s Club this week, I’m learning that she is a “diagnoser”. Without knowing the kids or their back stories, she’s been making sweeping generalizations, such as “Look, this one needs glasses” or “Look, its clear to me that this one’s mother is on the same reading level she is” or “Look, obviously his parents read to him and spend time with him.” Well, no one else has noticed a vision problem with that one, that one is 6 and one of 3 in a family of very diverse strengths and interests, and the last one’s parents are dead.

So this gets me to wondering. The way looking is supposed to work is that we see something, take in the information, and then our brain interprets it. At times though, I think we interpret first and look for visions that meet that interpretation.

I’m trying to be very cognizant of that as we work through some difficult work things here. I realize that I am not omniscient, that there are things going on that I am unaware of. I’m trying hard not to look for things that would match what I think is going on, and at the same time holding others accountable to their interpretations of me and how I spend my days.

In the same way, I’m embracing my ignorance of God’s plan. I’ve been questioning myself a lot lately, one of the reasons being I feel that many other people could be doing my job and I KNOW that several others were offered the position. Through various circumstances though, I ended up with it and I’m not sure what to do with the new information. I came here feeling like I was specifically chosen for this position, but now feel like I got it by default. I wonder if they would have fought for me if I hadn’t been so excited. Then it’s a question of if those who didn’t take are like “Well, I’m glad Brenna took it so I can do more important things and she’s fine, I guess to do it.” I don’t really believe these are the thought processes occurring, but my low self-esteem takes over sometimes.

In fun news, I think the best part of my week was when one of my kids J and I sang CCR together on the way home.

I’m also having a blast doing Guys and Dolls mostly because it’s other people’s drama and there’s so much grabbing for attention. I love being a sort of fly on the wall and just watching everything.
Lots of love!

Princeton, here I come!

So in the midst of a truly crappy week, I have just received my acceptance letter to Princeton Seminary. I was talking to my Mom on the phone while sitting alone in a cafe, so I had no one to hug or jump up and down with. This is so exciting and I am ridiculously euphoric right now. It is such an affirmation to my call and I am so glad to be returning home next year. I also feel like no matter how bad things get here, there is an amazing light at the end of the tunnel. Lots of thanks for all the love and support I've received throughout this process.

Really quick before the battery on my laptop dies as I am not plugged in because I have moved into the wifi cafe because our internet is still not working...

In the past 24 hours I...

-Witnessed my first bar fight at a Chili's
-Felt and continue to feel completely inadequate to handle children
-Was accused of breaking the internet that hasn't been working for two weeks.
- Started reading a book that might change my life.
- Was told that the weekly volunteers are more important than me.
- May have caused a man to go to jail because I cannot be all things to all people.
-Remembered why I have the best family in the world despite our disfunction.
-Remembered why I have the best roommates (and this word feels cold to me) in the world despite our disfunction.
-Had the worst piece of cheesecake I've ever eaten.
-Almost got in my car and drove home.
-Wondered why I didn't take a job with a starting salary of $50,000 teaching theatre to rich kids in NJ.
-Questioned my place in the world.
-Made a child cry.
-Made a child laugh.
-Heard that Sam had his first time-out. Not OK.
-Felt God but then wondered if She left.

Yeah, I say water weird. So what?

Another challenging week. Should I be surprised at this point? On Thursday we had nine kids at Andy's Club. A record! I quickly remembered though how challenging kids can be. There was so much showing off it was out of control, but by the end of the day it was like we had all known each other forever. One child, we'll call him J, may prove to be a special challenge for me from God. On our registration form we have a spot for parents to let me know if anything out of the ordinary has happened recently in the life of the child such as divorce, moving, death in family, etc. I knew J lived with his Grandma, but that's not especially strange in MS post-Katrina. When I got a chance to read his paper though, I learned the whole story. Three years ago, when J was probably 8 or so, his father murdered his mother then committed suicide- all in front of J. As a result, he moved to MS with his Grandma. Then they lost their house in the hurricane. Furthermore, although J's Grandma didn't specifically note this, I'm assuming there was physical or substance abuse present in the home before the deaths. Those things don't come out of nowhere. I feel completely useless to this child. It seems like he needs more than glitter glue and improv games, which he may be receiving, I don't know. And yet, God has put him in front of me. Hmm...

In much more selfish news, the internet has been down here all week. Every time they move around the office, something is sacrificed. One time it was the voice mail, one time the printer connection, this time the internet. We've been going to wifi cafes and thinking of turning in our receipts to have the Presbytery of Mississippi pay for our Chai Tea...A large with whip cream...and a croissant. I am a slave to the internet. Not being a big phone person, I'm falling completely behind with e-mailing. The only way I'm typing this now is because I actually broke into the office here to do some work. That's right broke in because we haven't gotten keys yet which is due to trust or disorganization, I don't really know.

I wanted to mention too that I was really excited that Sue asked me to be her accountability partner (I hope she's reading!). We were asked to pick A.P.s this week at the big meeting in New Orleans, the purpose being a weekly or more check in with one person that you don't live with about community, work, spirituality, etc. Because I had to leave the meeting early, I was really afraid that I would be like the last kid picked for kickball, but Sue called and asked and I was really happy. For those of you who don't know Sue, she is fabulous and bitter and a feminist and tells it like it is. Just like me! We've also had some similar life experiences that I think will make us good partners.

Last night was one of those blessings that comes out of the blue. My former pastor, Harold, had contacted me last weekend because he was coming for a volunteer work week in Bay St. Louis, MS- about 40 minutes from here. He came with the Morristown church who are wonderful people as I learned. I had dinner with them last night, did a lot of networking, had some good theological talk, and worshipped with them. This was the best. I've forgotten the high you experience here as a weekly volunteer. There is so much intensity packed into one week. It was just so wonderful to see a familiar face, especially one that I've known my whole life, and talk about home things. While I'm not feeling homesick, I certainly miss home and I think I am drawing comfort from the knowledge that I'll be back and hopefully settled there next year. I think I will always want to travel, perhaps for even months at a time, but I don't want to live anywhere else...
... which is one of the reasons I really hope that the divine plan is for me to go to Princeton. If you don't know, I'm currently in that awful waiting for a decision period. It should be coming sometime soon, like within a few weeks. Luckily, I have tons to keep my mind occupied with and I realized something in talking with the assoc. pastor from Morristown last night. Unlike undergrad where if you didn't get in you felt dumb or not well spoken or not well rounded, I honestly feel that wherever I get in is where I belong. I have complete faith in the process. I just pray its not traumatic, and I really don't want to fill out any more applications.

I'm not sure who all's reading this at this point, but if there is anyone interested in making a sizeable donation, we could use a computer for the after-school program. Nothing fancy, just something to run reading software off of and for the kids to learn basic skills. Let me know if you have a lead!

A crab, an angel and a ghost walk into a bar...Or Drive-Thru Nation.

There are Drive-Thrus for just about everything in MS. Aside from the fact that most of the eateries are fast food, the cleaners and post office also offer a drive-thru. While this undoubtedly accounts for the fact that MS is the most obese state in the nation, I thought it might serve as an allegory for the human state as well. In life, we want to place our orders clearly, preferably to someone we don't need to make eye contact with. Its helpful if our orders have a number, there's less room for error that way. We get frustrated if we have to repeat ourselves. Then there is the waiting, but even in the longest of lines, its ok because we can see the ending- the window. We deal with the waiting because we are in our comfy boxes, safe and sound. Exhibiting no physical effort to obtain our desires, we have our money in hand ready to exchange it for a neat bag containing the answers to our orders, but don't we get frustrated when its wrong! I said barbecue sauce! But its too late, I've already driven away and I can't go back because I'm late already and oh well I'll just have to make due we say to ourselves as we look disdainfully at the chicken nuggets that only moments ago were the answers we were looking for. Now they're just what we'll "make due" with. Then, the last phase of the drive-thru: the guilt. If only I had walked inside I would have at least made a little room on my ass for the fries I am now hungrily eating without enjoying. That same five dollars could have bought two gallons of gas or a cup of coffee or food for one of Sally Struthers' orphans. Where there was once hope, there is now guilt and compromise and emptiness. So I think what I am getting at is that faith does not go through the drive thru. Faith makes time to pull its ass out of the car and goes inside to meet to God, unafraid of making contact with another living thing and waiting to get something really satisfying because God in his wisdom and love knows just what we need.

This is not to say that I don't take the drive-thru of life many times during the day. In fact I am struggling most with expectations and time here. This isn't what I ordered! The dream isn't happening fast enough or smoothly enough. Yet piece by piece my order is coming together. We have the potential of having up to ten kids in Andy's Club by the end of the week. We're getting a van. I met and may be mentored by the first ordained woman in the state of Mississippi. God is giving me all the barbecue sauce I need.

I had intended for this blog to be a recap of the weekends events with all its ups and downs and halloween shenanigans but I'm tired and need to get up early to give breakfast to day laborers. I will say that I wore the above crab hat all around Gulfport last night. It was pretty amazing.

Lots of love!