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I was able to experience one of my all time favorite Southern things today. That is, the smell of the air right as it has started drizzling and before it is about to downpour. It seems to be a mix of water, concrete and wood chips. I say "Southern" thing because I have never noticed that exact smell in the North, only while living here and vacationing in places like Hilton Head and Savannah. I was glad to have it as I really needed some calming and soothing today.

Yesterday, I had a very difficult conversation with the people who are supposed to be my mentors, counselors and advisers in this program. I've been having some conflicts with scheduling my work and ministry things and their program meetings. Essentially I left the conversation feeling misunderstood and like my work here was not justified or validated. I was also made to feel that I have completely abandoned my group of friends, colleagues and "family" members that I have worked so hard to create here. Needless to say, this did not help my issues of butting heads with authority that is my age and I wondered after this phone call (for about the millionth time this year) why I came here under the umbrella of this program and not just by myself.

I think this is the answer: I wanted a challenge and I wanted to try something new. God has lead me to many irreplaceable relationships this year and I have grown immensely. However, it may have been a mistake for me to work in a system that forces me to draw lines between what is important God's work (i.e. what I do for this program and what is in my so-called "job description) and what is not important God's work (i.e. what I do on my own time that is still ministry.) I came to the Gulf Coast believing that to be a truly effective presence, I could not just be an outsider working in the community, but that I had to be a member of the community. Now I feel that I am forced to let someone down and is this my fault? Do I over involve myself because of my will or God's? Am I guilty of moving on to the next thing before finishing the first?

This may be a lot to dump out on a blog posting but I feel like I owe it to everyone supporting me to be honest about what is going on here and with me. Also, it helps to write my feelings out.

Seeking clarity and grace