“Look…”

I begin this post with the word “Look” for several reasons. Firstly, I’ve heard it A LOT from one volunteer that I’ve been working with this week. At times I enjoy a statement that begins with “Look” because it implies a clear-cut, no BS statement is about to be said. For instance, “Look, I know we have different standards of cleanliness, but it is not acceptable to leave half-full coffee mugs lying around for three days.” To me this is preferable to something wishy-washy or sugarcoated. This volunteer, M, has been explaining things to me in this way all week. I wonder though if she is really looking. Let me explain.

In her assistance with Andy’s Club this week, I’m learning that she is a “diagnoser”. Without knowing the kids or their back stories, she’s been making sweeping generalizations, such as “Look, this one needs glasses” or “Look, its clear to me that this one’s mother is on the same reading level she is” or “Look, obviously his parents read to him and spend time with him.” Well, no one else has noticed a vision problem with that one, that one is 6 and one of 3 in a family of very diverse strengths and interests, and the last one’s parents are dead.

So this gets me to wondering. The way looking is supposed to work is that we see something, take in the information, and then our brain interprets it. At times though, I think we interpret first and look for visions that meet that interpretation.

I’m trying to be very cognizant of that as we work through some difficult work things here. I realize that I am not omniscient, that there are things going on that I am unaware of. I’m trying hard not to look for things that would match what I think is going on, and at the same time holding others accountable to their interpretations of me and how I spend my days.

In the same way, I’m embracing my ignorance of God’s plan. I’ve been questioning myself a lot lately, one of the reasons being I feel that many other people could be doing my job and I KNOW that several others were offered the position. Through various circumstances though, I ended up with it and I’m not sure what to do with the new information. I came here feeling like I was specifically chosen for this position, but now feel like I got it by default. I wonder if they would have fought for me if I hadn’t been so excited. Then it’s a question of if those who didn’t take are like “Well, I’m glad Brenna took it so I can do more important things and she’s fine, I guess to do it.” I don’t really believe these are the thought processes occurring, but my low self-esteem takes over sometimes.

In fun news, I think the best part of my week was when one of my kids J and I sang CCR together on the way home.

I’m also having a blast doing Guys and Dolls mostly because it’s other people’s drama and there’s so much grabbing for attention. I love being a sort of fly on the wall and just watching everything.
Lots of love!